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Author Topic: i have to tell you all something  (Read 254 times)

Hydrona

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i have to tell you all something
« on: September 13, 2021, 09:07:59 AM »

Hello folks,

I need to tell you all something..
Sometthing I should have told sooner. But I was scared. I still am though..
I'm a wreck currently. Spin tops don't cheer me up. Did not play for weeks.. And the people I love, they want me to be happy. But I'm not happy.
Because I need to stay 'normal'. I'm not normal. At least not inside my soul. I'm perfectly healthy! No worries!
I'm a shifter. A spiritual shapeshifter.
You ever heard of therians?
Well, this is different. I'm not one of them. They make me look bad.
All respect to them, but I am a shifter. I do not wear things like a fake tail or collar.
I call myself a spiritual werewolf.
I have a book somewhere, about shapeshifting. 'the magic of shapeshifting' from author Rosalyn Greene.

That was my guide through the hardest 10 years of my life.
It's exactly 10 years ago since I discovered my wolf soul.
But now, it's all collapsing.
I always go to a forest, somewhere close by where I live.
I never saw that many people there. Because no one knows about that forest. And I went deep into the trees. Where no one could see me.
It was perfect!
I could let go of everyday life and howled out. I could be myself !
Now, they closed it. There's a sign. Private domain, no trespassing.
I feel that I need to adapt myself to society, again..
But I'm sick of running away, hiding..

An example : transgenders and gays are, at least in most modern countries, accepted. They can be who they are.
Why not me?
Who am doing any harm when I howl out?
You can compare it with shamanism actually. Letting the animal spirit out.

The only shifts I have a mental and phantom shifts.
Mental shift is like mentally becoming the animal. I'm always a mixture of human and wolf, mentally.
But no one actually knows. it's just me , they think. part of who I am.

phantom shift are like feeling the body parts or whole body of the animal.
You can compare it a bit with an amputee.
Some people still can feel their missing arm or leg.
It's not visible, but I sometimes can feel my fur, snout, tail, paws etc.
Mostly my whole wolf-spirit body. Especcially when I go to sleep or wake up.
And the greatest part : I can control it. I can shift at will.
With the mental shifts, I don't shift when there are people around.
It just blocks. Luckily!
Once I hope to achieve Astral travel as a wolf.

It's amazing to be a part of nature and of the human world, at once.
I feel that I have one foot in the human world, and one paw in the animal world. But I can't be fully part of the two.

But now, I feel sick. My own family wants me to be happy, but also want me to be normal. It was my grandmother who said it.
It hurts me to no end. I can tell my grandmother everything.
And she was like : as long as you are happy, I don't care.
But now she's scared that I might end up in some madhouse... Because someone might see me howling..
Why? Im not a danger to others or myself. I'm perfectly human and healthy. I just have a wolf soul, which needs its freedom.
Never lock up wild animals.
And that is what they do to me, involuntary.
It's like wishing me dead. It's the same.
If they take away my animal self, then they kill me.
I only stay healthy if I can shift. It keeps my energy flowing.

And to be honest, that wolf howl of mine sounds real.
People who hear it might think it's a dog.
But I'm so afraid of people.
Yesterday we went to a musical.
I couldn't stand the crowd. Too many people, in a small place.
But I held on. Did not flee. I could not anyway, we were not allowed to leave our seats.
 I had so much stress, that I not have enjoyed the musical. Not even a bit. 2 hours! No break.
I was happy it ended and could go home.
I'm not used to city life.
I live in the country side.

And even now, I'm scared that nobody will accept me for who I am.
What people don't understand , they fear. What they fear, they destroy.

I should have told this sooner. But I was scared.
Still am.
Just because I'm out of hope, no energy left. Wrecked.
I understand that if you people don't want me on the forums, I'll go.

Warm greets
Jolien
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 12:48:54 PM by Hydrona »
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Hydrona

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2021, 09:18:45 AM »

here is a video of my howling.
the link is hidden. i don't want my dad finds out.
https://youtu.be/pf-KXVYIUdY
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Jeremy McCreary

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2021, 12:55:21 PM »

Jolien, I'm afraid it's going to take a lot more than that to make you unwelcome around here.  :)

I've had some experience with being "different", and I know it can be tough. Hope you can come to some kind of mutual understanding with your family.

Deep spiritual connections with particular animals have been pretty common in human history and persist to this day in some cultures. Looking into that might make you feel a little less different and perhaps a little less alone.

To a lesser extent, I've felt a strong connection to crows, ravens, and magpies ever since learning about how intelligent these corvids are, and how well they've adapted to sharing habitats with humans. You can see it in their eyes. And I'm fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood full of crows and magpies year round.

Granted, not as deep a connection as yours to wolves, but I have some inkling. Such majestic creatures, and also very intelligent.

Discomfort in crowds is also very common. I've walked out of crowded places many times, and I usually stay away from crowded events when I can. COVID has compounded that, of course. But it's strongly influenced my social behavior for as long as I can remember.

Our thoughts are with you as you navigate this difficult time.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 12:59:29 PM by Jeremy McCreary »
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Hydrona

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2021, 01:02:45 PM »

Thank you for the kind words and support Jeremy  :)
Most of my family does not know. My mom knows, and she supports me.
My lover does too. He actually likes it when I shift, though he cannot see. As long as I'm happy.
My dad doesn't know. And for now I keep it that way. He's not into spiritual things. He's actually afraid of all things different. My parents are divorced. I live with my mom. But one day, I need to tell him.

Actually I have a lot of books of shapeshifting and connections to animals. Yes, it's a very old belief.
I rather read a book than search on the internet. A book to me is more trustworthy. But that's personal.
I love corvids too! They're so smart! I used to' talk ' to the Crows here in my garden. They are my favorite birds  :D.
Yes, covid-19 made it worse. But I never liked being in a crowd.
Again, thank you  :)
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 01:08:02 PM by Hydrona »
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the Earl of Whirl

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2021, 04:12:18 PM »

My dogs would love to howl with you!  I try to join in the howling but they know I am an outsider.  I hope you find a new wooded area to visit.  I, too, enjoy the solitude of the woods.  Hope you are able to find more areas of peace in your life.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 04:14:49 PM by the Earl of Whirl »
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ta0

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2021, 08:38:34 PM »

I'm very sorry that you are going through this difficult times, Jolien. But I'm glad that you found this forum welcoming enough to open up to us.
Did you know that October 26th is Howl at the Moon Day? From this page Howl at the moon day:

Quote
How to Celebrate Howl at the Moon Day

You can keep things literal in your Howl at the Moon Day celebrations, and merely take a step outside and give the celestial orb in the sky a great big howling hello. You can get groups of friends together and head out to the forests and build a bonfire under a dark autumn night, and how to the crisp and clear skies overhead and the moon that hangs there like a giant eye watching over the world at large.

It's just in a little over a month and it would be a good excuse to try to find other people to howl with, even if they don't have the same deep connection as you have. Perhaps you could use social media to promote the day.  Who knows, you may find some kindred souls.

About your dad, he may not agree with you but he will accept you. I say it as the father of a transgender woman.

Take care.
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Jeremy McCreary

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2021, 09:11:05 PM »

On International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sep 19, maties!), we usually see videos of members spinning tops while engaging in pirate-like behavior. Always fun.

In that light, spinning a top while howling at the moon on Oct 26 seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do. True, the videography will be more challenging. But we now have tips on how to howl like a pro. :)
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 09:14:20 PM by Jeremy McCreary »
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Texture

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2021, 10:07:28 PM »

A duncan hooter would work well for that.  ;)
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Hydrona

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2021, 10:06:00 AM »

Thank you all folks!
I'm feeling a lot better today. Even if I can't go into that forest anymore, I still got my garden.
And I think the neighborhood kids already know. Bet they think a werewolf is watching over them, keeping the bad guys out of the area :D.
I did not know about that day  :D, thank you for mentioning. The only excuse I've got is that I practice for Halloween!
I did a howling session by my parents in law with their dog. A border collie called Billie. Her reaction was priceless!
That cute head tilt!
The day I'm going to tell my dad is close by. I've hide it for al these years. No more running.
He deserves the truth. Don't know when, but it will come.

Thank you for all your support and kind words everyone  :).

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Hydrona

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2021, 11:46:30 AM »

Hello folks,

A few days ago I went out for a good walk. I live in the country, and there is plenty of places no one comes.
I had a fantastic time! During the walk, I felt my wolf self come out as a phantom shift.
When I was sure no one was around, I howled out. A few minutes later, I came across this lady and her dog.
The dog knew somehow, and was looking at me like 'what the hell are you?'  :D.
Maybe that dog heard me howl.
But the best thing : I did not stop the shift. It did not stop when I encountered that woman with her dog.
FINALLY!
No one can see, so why did I always pull back the shift when I came across someone ?
It was instinct. I just needed to make that switch, well, switch.
I was so happy! No more losing my shift and start all over afterwards.

Even if most of my family doesn't know about me, I'm still loving and protecting them.
Just like a real wolf would do. And I thought finding a pack! I already have my pack.
My lover, family and friends. Me and my lover are together for 7 years now.
He knew about it before he fell in love with me. He loves me and accepts it. Actually, he likes it, me being a spiritual werewolf. And I'm happy he's not like me, to be honest.
Someone needs to keep watch over me :).
Altrough I have a great control, and never 'wolf out' when there are people around.
That's mental shifts only. Nobody sees the phantom shift.
Now, I can let go of fear.

Thank you all!
You all are great folks!
I'm happy to be here ;).
And... I picked up my spin top again today!  Had a great time!
I worked hard today too, I'm satisfied.

Have a great day everyone  :).
Many thanks and warm greetings
Jolien


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Jeremy McCreary

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2021, 12:31:02 PM »

During the summer of 2020, people all over the world started coming out in the evening to clap, sing, or otherwise cheer on our first responders, medical heroes, and other essential workers.

In our neighborhood, at least, everybody quickly switched to wolf howls. And it felt good.

So I guess we all have inner wolves to some extent.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2021, 12:39:10 PM by Jeremy McCreary »
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Hydrona

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2021, 02:56:05 PM »

During the summer of 2020, people all over the world started coming out in the evening to clap, sing, or otherwise cheer on our first responders, medical heroes, and other essential workers.

In our neighborhood, at least, everybody quickly switched to wolf howls. And it felt good.

So I guess we all have inner wolves to some extent.
During the summer of 2020, people all over the world started coming out in the evening to clap, sing, or otherwise cheer on our first responders, medical heroes, and other essential workers.

In our neighborhood, at least, everybody quickly switched to wolf howls. And it felt good.

So I guess we all have inner wolves to some extent.

Wow! That must be a amazing experience!
I remembered in our country, people came out of their house to honor the ones working in the hospital.
To me, the people working and risking their lives there in the hospital, deserve a medal!
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BillW

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Re: i have to tell you all something
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2021, 11:52:30 PM »

Reading these comments made me proud to be a member of this group.
My wife and I live nestled in the forest, and often feel closer to the wildlife than the humans of our community.
And tomorrow, on the solstice, we may have a pagan ceremony and howl with the coyotes. (Closes thing to wolves we have here!)

Best wishes, Joliene.

Bill
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